This Fun Mom

The dictionary definitions of “hack” are confusing as all get out.

1. to cut with rough or heavy blows. “The cute, tattooed lumberjack that I follow on TikTok hacks into oak stumps.” (Allegedly.)

2. to gain unauthorized access to. “I may have to hack into the bank’s computer to be able to afford groceries this week.”

3. to cope, to manage… okay getting closer. Like “I can’t hack it today trying to potty train triplets.”

4. a strategy or technique for managing one’s time or activities more efficiently.

BINGO. Finally.

Parenting hacks have probably been around since the dawn of time. I imagine cavemoms and cavedads making a playpen out of rocks and sticks or something so they could go hunt a mammoth, or pick a few berries. The human race survived somehow and I would bet cash money parenting hacks are part of that success formula. Their ability to build tools is what separated our ancestors from the animals and earlier humanoids. What else is a parenting hack but a time-saving (sometimes sanity-saving) tool?

When my kids were little, their dad traveled a lot. Like three days every week and had I not been evolved from tool-bearing neanderthals, I might not have survived my little not-as-evolved-yet toddler neanderthals.

One of my most memorable lessons as a mom of two kids, nineteen-months apart, was when I needed distraction and entertainment or I’d soon find myself on day three with no shower. I thought they might be able to watch a show while I grabbed the fastest pits-and-bits wash I could. They had a room full of toys and their favorite show in the world. Every imaginable safety precaution that Babies R Us sold was in place. (side note: this is where us older moms had to go before Amazon). I thought the very type-A responsible four-year old one might watch the three-year old one, but alas, no. Having second-guessed myself fourteen seconds into my shower, I came running, dripping out of my shower to check that the house wasn’t afire and saw them each, in front of the TV, calmly drinking a glass of orange juice. They smiled, so proud of themselves. Hmmm.

The problem? We didn’t have any orange juice in the house.

The kitchen looked like someone had murdered the bag of clementines I’d bought earlier. There was pulp and juice on every imaginable flat surface. They had hand-squeezed thirty-some, tiny oranges on my linoleum, then realized how sticky orange juice was and wiped their pulpy little hands everywhere else.

Enter the HACK.

If I couldn’t grab a shower while they were napping or after bed, or I had to take a phone call or something, I had to think up or google a plethora of activities that wouldn’t require a mop to clean up.

My solution for this particular conundrum? I stocked up on cheap holiday window clings and let the kids decorate the outside of the shower glass. They stayed in sight, I could help if needed, and it bought me five minutes.

We also hiked a lot and once they were old enough to be out of the kiddie backpack carriers, I had the genius idea with a twist on eye-spy… it was autumn and after telling them thirty times to “find something orange” I said “hey, let’s find a rainbow!” and they had to first find something red, then orange, then yellow, etc. We found a red berry, an orange leaf, yellow flower, a blade of green grass, a blue juniper berry and a purple flower. I mounted it on a piece of paper in an arc and it’s one of my favorite crafts to this day. When they got a little older and I could trust them walking with a lollipop, I used blowpop lollipops to bribe… er… entertain… and it taught delayed gratification!

Living in dry Colorado, we got a lot of nosebleeds when the kids were little. Tissue tears and doesn’t absorb as fast as you need… but that one time their mom only had a maxi pad in the car, worked like a charm. Note: any kid over the age of ten will not agree to this. Another good hack is to tear off some of the tissue, roll it into a little plug and stick it up their nose. The pressure will help clotting. Do not stick too it too far up there though or you will make them sneeze out a blood clot torpedo.

Now everyone’s heard the cheerios for potty training targets, right? If you have a little kid who’s terrified of the auto-flush at public toilets, bring a post-it note to cover the motion sensor. No more screaming child jumping off mid-pee!

Hey while we’re on the subject of pee…

Have a bedwetter? Put a disposable adhesive pad down, then a fitted sheet then another pad then a fitted sheet. Will make your next 3am sheets change a LOT faster. 

If your kiddo gets a cut, grab a mini popsicle and let them hold it, wrapped, on the boo-boo while you get the cream and bandaids. Much better than them howling while you fumble around. Then reward them for their bravery with the Popsicle! This works well for home injections too, like insulin or growth hormone!

On that note, also look into the Shotblocker, the Buzzy Bee and the Tickleflex. Strange names, but like most hacks, they rely on distraction and they really help with injection pain. And on the puke topic, get the Pedialyte that is CLEAR, not red or orange. Who ever thought of something that stains when you have projectile vomiting is seriously jacked in the head.

And hey, while we’re on the subject of puke…

Bunk beds may be cute and space saving, but when you have a kid vomit off the top of one, the mess radius is tripled. My kid snuck like, 15 oreos once before bed, puked, and when I saw the mess, I honestly contemplated just burning the house down.

And hey, while we’re on the subject of bunk beds…

Ones with slides and playhouses attached? Fun, but you’ll never get that kid to sleep.

And hey… ok that’s enough. But if you do have a kid who won’t sleep, (like under 4) go get a coffee, drive around with soothing music and when they fall asleep, pull over somewhere safe, enjoy your coffee and check out the TikTok lumberjack. (Allegedly.)

❤️ Meagan Broeckert